a Wednesday morning

Or, I gave it everything I had

I’ve been sitting at this table for seven minutes already, trying to find the right first sentence, but nothing sounds right. It’s all too jarring, too maddeningly confusing, and too “not what the people want to hear.” Happy endings are better. The cursor is blinking at me, laughing at my indecision, but I can’t find a way into this story.

Maybe that’s because there is no way in, nothing that feels easy, or smooth, or explainable. I can’t explain this to myself; how do I explain it to you? There is no pretty metaphor to wrap this in, so explicitly may serve me best.

My marriage ended on a Wednesday morning.

Or maybe it was before that, the weeks and months and years that I thought I was married to one person—a truly wonderful and humble person—when in reality, addiction had made him another—someone I don’t recognize. That’s probably more accurate. Addiction is a deeper, more complicated web of jarring realities than even I knew. But when the whole truth is never part of the equation, hindsight becomes a muddled mess of blurry vision, and I’m left here with my six children wondering what the hell just happened?

I still don’t have a category for what the kids and I have been through in the last few years. I’m confused and angry and devastated. This is absolutely not the ending I wanted and not the ending I fought and prayed for. I was here with all my heart. I gave my marriage everything I had, and ultimately, that’s what I am responsible for; not the person who isn’t capable of the same.

But I want you to know I’m not just confused and angry and devastated. I’m also strong. And while I’m not okay today, I know I will be. The chaos and confusion and fear I’ve been living with are finally gone, and I’m so ready for peace to settle into the cracks that they left behind. My faith in my things may be shaken, but my faith in Jesus is not. The story of rescue we are all living is more real to me than it has ever been.

And I hope one day soon, I will see that Wednesday morning not as the end, but the beginning.

I truly appreciate your prayers for me and for my incredible children. And they really are incredible. One day at a time.

*Photos by my best friend,

Ashlee Gadd

. Cannon was around, too, but wasn’t up for pictures 😉